You Make Me Feel So …

I learnt a very very important lesson in the last year. Like most of life’s most important messages, it’s a really simple one but it is a game changer for all of our relationships.

Most people who come to me for coaching tell me they are having relationship problems somewhere in their lives. Whether that be their partner or a family member or work colleague. They tell me that this person is MAKING THEM FEEL x, y or z.

My partner makes me feel so angry.
My colleague makes me feel like I’m inadequate.
My friend makes me feel so jealous.
My son makes me feel sad when he doesn’t call me.

Here is the revelation.

Nobody can MAKE YOU FEEL anything.

Someone can do something which triggers a THOUGHT in you and you may get angry, sad, frustrated by that thought, but the other person can not trigger a feeling in you. It’s physically impossible.

In fact NOTHING can MAKE YOU FEEL anything other than your thoughts.

Here are some examples:

If you are getting angry when your partner forgets to put their shoes away, think about what thought you are thinking that is causing anger, because in itself it doesn’t sound like a big deal.

I can bet you the thought will be something like this…

“He always does this. He knows it upsets me. He must be doing it on purpose just to upset me.”

Or how about your friend who has just bought a big new house and is really happy and you start to feel jealous.

What thought will be causing this…

“She has this house and I can’t afford it. If only I could afford it I’d be happy too. She makes me so jealous”.

Can you see it is the way you tell yourself the story about what the other person is doing that is making you feel how you feel.

We can CHOOSE to think whatever we want about any given scenario.

REALLY!

We could all choose to think happy thoughts whenever we hear bad news if we really wanted to. Of course that serves no good purpose as life isn’t like that, but the same applies to you thinking negatively of everyday situations in which you are causing YOURSELF feelings of anger or jealousy or sadness.

If you are jealous of someone, does that feeling you are having affect the other person?
No, it negatively affects YOU!

If you hate someone, does that hate get physically affect the other person?
No, it negatively affects YOU!

With the knowledge that you are 100% in control of what you decide to think. How could you stop feeling how you do about a certain situation?

Consciously change how you decide to THINK about that situation.

Find a thought that gives you a feeling that works better for you.

In our examples how might we change the narative to suit us better and cause us less negative emotion.

Instead of thinking

“He always does this. He knows it upsets me. He must be doing it on purpose just to upset me.”

Why not choose to think…

“I can’t believe he forgot this again. He’s so forgetful. I wonder if we can find a way to make it easier to remember…”

Instead of thinking

“She has this house and I can’t afford it. If only I could afford it I’d be happy too. She makes me so jealous”.

Why not choose to think…

“I feel happy for my friend in her new house. I hope that is something I can look forward to in my future one day”
Can you see i’ve not changed the thoughts so radically. I’ve remembered that the people in question are human with their own feelings and that if I take a less self effacing look at the situations they don’t spark such massive negative reactions.

I hope you can take this away and think how you can apply it to your situations whenever you find yourself saying.. YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO…